Mar. 9th, 2009

giddygeek: tree silhouette with rainbows & hearts (even robots want love and world peace)
re: Racefail '09 (and if you live under such a big rock that you haven't seen or heard a word about it, [livejournal.com profile] rydra_wong has an amazing set of links in her journal. Click them, read about it, learn something; if your head is buried in the sand, your ass is probably hanging out in the air.)

I've been reading a lot but quiet, not posting, because sometimes the things I read make me so angry. They leave me so baffled by how anyone can so stubbornly refuse to see the harm and the ignorance in their actions and their words. Sometimes I get really defensive, because it's not comfortable to confront your own privilege. Sometimes I get confused, because I understand that this isn't about me, but my reactions to the things I'm learning are so intensely personal and I want to talk about them. Sometimes I'm just really grateful that people who have no responsibility to educate anyone else have taken the time to do so, over and over and over again until some of us started to get it. Sometimes I get intimidated by how fucking smart people are, and how clearly and sometimes beautifully they express themselves.

And sometimes I get sad because it's all so complicated, and frustrating, and painful to everyone involved -- especially to those who live this in a way I can't, and those who are trying to speak without being told to drop it or change their tone by people who think they know better.

I don't really express myself very well when the conversation turns serious. I fumble like an idiot, and I don't really trust my own opinions. But I don't want my silence on this to be taken as assent -- I don't mean it to be, and the thing I understood more deeply today is that if I don't say what I mean, even if I fumble it, then what I don't say can be taken to mean anything.

So. I hope it's appropriate if after all that fumbling, I just say, I am here, and I am listening.

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